So, this week brought us a veritable twin peaks of news relating to Hooters, the restaurant Americans go to for the articles.

First, on Friday evening, there was the Vampire-at-Florida-Hooters incident, which seems to have gone something like this. Josephine Rebecca Smith, a 22-year-old Pensacola resident, was dropped off at a Shell station, where she was waiting for a ride from a relative. While waiting there, she met 69-year-old Morton Ellis.

Ellis was hanging out on the front porch of a vacant Hooters, as you do.

Ellis invited Smith to join him on the porch, and proceeded to fall asleep. Next thing he knew, Smith was on top of him, telling him that she was a vampire, and biting chunks of his face off. Ellis somehow managed to get away from her in his motorized wheel chair, and call the police from back at the Shell station.

When Smith was later arrested, police reported that she was half naked, covered in blood, and recalled nothing of the incident.

Which sounds a lot more like a werewolf attack, if you ask me.

Second, in a move that is in no way a crass exploitation of human tragedy, Hooters released this video, which seems to be titled “Hooters® Remembers”:

To help cleanse your palette, now, I’d like to take you back to 1985. It was a simpler time, when millions of teenage girls had non-ironic crushes on George Michael, the only thing we had to fear was impending nuclear holocaust, and we danced. How did we dance, you ask? Like a wave on the ocean, that’s how.