So, this morning, Mitt Romney came up with an interesting new strategy designed to divert attention from his quite possibly illegal tax history, his party’s extremist abortion position, and general unlikability: he launched a stand up comedy routine. Speaking in Michigan, he cracked this gem straight out of the Birther Bathroom Jokebook:

No one’s ever asked to see my birth certificate.

See, it’s hilarious because he’s white! And Obama is black!

So, what other bon mots can we expect from Romney as he takes his routine to Tampa? Here at Lost in Transcription, we’ve received this advance list of jokes, which were allegedly written by Dane Cook’s racist brother, and will be dropped at the Republican National Convention next week to much hooting and cheering from the hungover and overstimulated delegates. Here are a few of the most hilarious:

No one ever arrested me in Arizona!

No one ever stopped and frisked me in New York!

No one ever renditioned me to Guantanamo!

No one ever questioned my right to stand my ground!

No one ever paid me 77 cents on the dollar to do the same job!

No one ever assumed I was the gardener!

No one ever put my grandparents in an oven!

No one ever questioned my right to get married! 

No one ever put my family on a reservation! 

No one ever held me down and cut my hair!

No one ever denied me health insurance!

See, they’re all so funny, because Mitt has lived a life of incredible privilege!

How about you, readers? Have your inside sources uncovered any material? If so, please share it in the comments.