How to fix the Miss America Pageant

So, remember last year’s Miss America Pageant? Let me remind you. We were treated to Alyse Eady, Miss Arkansas, whose talent was singing “I want to be a cowboy’s sweetheart,” including the yodeling, through the use of two ventriloquist dummies. AND SHE DIDN”T WIN!

Ventriloquist yodeling, people. Here’s the video:

Anyway, the fact that she didn’t win obviously points to the deep corruption at the core of our socio-economico-pageanto-political system. However, the fact that she came in second is reason to hope for the future. In the vein of that hope, I humbly suggest that next year’s pageant involve a group talent competition. I furthermore suggest, nay, demand, that one of the groups do an act like the one in the next video.

This video features the Warriors of Goja on an Indian talent show and comes here via Jason Kottke notes:

I’ve been on the web for 17 years now, I’m a professional link finder, and I have never in my life seen anything like these guys performing on an Indian talent show. They *start off* by biting into fluorescent light bulbs and it just gets more nuts from there.

Note: best viewed with the volume up.

There is no one out there who can honestly say that ten Miss America contestants jumping through columns of fluorescent lightbulbs and hitting each other with sledgehammers would not be the greatest television event in history.

Also, is there someone who can translate what the female judge says to them at the end? Anyone? Tanmoy? Anyone?

4 thoughts on “How to fix the Miss America Pageant”

  1. Seriously, if one of the Republican candidates were to pull out a ventriloquist dummy and start yodeling during one of the debates, it would still probably only be like the third most ridiculous thing to happen.

  2. Not sure how accurate this is, but from the YouTube comments someone named “1minna1” translated the female judge’s words as:

    “you guys are warriors of india… you guys have won our hearts and this title too… special´╗┐ appreciation and prize money of Rs.300,000”

  3. Excellent. Thanks, Torkane. According to Google, that’s the equivalent of $5750. It looks like Purchasing-Power-Parity adjustments would make that functionally equivalent to something on the order of $15000. Which still does not seem like nearly enough.

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